My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding

chapter 9



It’s business as usual at the cafe all morning today. Just before the lunch hour I get a call from our wedding venue saying it’s time I visit to finalise things.

“Are you sure you and Fiona will be okay on your own after…” I let my question to Anika linger.

“We will be fine, boss lady.” She scoots me out the door. “You go and get your beautiful wedding castle organised.”

She’s not lying either. Callum and I really are getting married in a castle. The place is so fabulous it even has its own moat!

Thirty minutes later I pull up into the lovely gravelled driveway of Mortsbaton Court. The gardens are stunning. Flowers bloom everywhere as I head inside through the wooden double doors.

It’s not a massive place, Mortsbaton. I mean, it’s not like Callum and I have a celebrity wedding budget to blow, even with my parents helping out with wedding expenses. I love this little pseudo-castle. It’s the perfect size for our needs. And the place is so picturesque and gorgeous.

“Welcome, Emily!” I’m greeted by Georgina who runs the estate weddings. “I’m so sorry to have called you in so unexpectedly, but it’s the only time we could coordinate with your… ehem… wedding planner.”

I like Georgina. She’s so sweet in her shortness. I swear the brown haired woman must be four foot eleven max. She’s also probably in her thirties and she makes the meaning of the word ‘petite’. She has a subdued sense of style with her flowing skirt.

Something she just said has me on alert now though.

“My wedding planner?”

Georgina looks doubtful. “Well yes. Mrs Stephenson—”

“Brenda?” I shout, cutting the woman off mid-sentence. Since when is Callum’s mum my wedding planner?

“Your fiancé phoned us last week, Emily.” Georgina looks worried. “Don’t tell me you didn’t know—”

She’s cut off again by the sound of car tyres rolling into the gravelled car park. Turning, I look out through the open double doors.

Brenda is here. She bounces out of her vehicle dressed in spandex from head to toe. I’m beginning to wonder if the woman is planning on wearing workout clothes to our actual wedding.

I’m at a loss for words as my soon-to-be-mother-in-law bounds energetically up the stone steps.

“Surprise!” She beams in my face. “I didn’t want Callum to tell you our little secret. I’m your wedding coordinator, Emily.” She air kisses me next to both of my cheeks and does the same with Georgina. In turn, the petite venue lady looks at me with apologetic eyes.

She didn’t know that I didn’t know about Brenda mysteriously becoming my new wedding planner.

Well, I suppose I do need someone to organise things, and if there’s anyone whose up to such an energetic task, physically fit Brenda is the woman for the job. There’s just one problem though. “How are you going to fit in doing your aerobics classes if you’re organizing my wedding?”

Georgina has begun the tour of the wedding facilities and Brenda and I are walking along behind her.

“I’ll manage, dear.” Brenda pats the back of my hand. “Besides, I’m always kitted up for a workout, just in case. After all, if you’re always dressed ready to sweat you’ll always be burning the fat!”

Jeez, enough emphasis on always?

She pokes my arm.

I’m caught off guard by her actions so I didn’t have time to tense my muscles. My arm fat wobbles a bit and I grit my teeth to try and keep myself from saying something I might later regret.

“So what do you think of the bridal suite?” Georgina splays her hand as we enter the sumptuous boudoir.

“It’s a bit small.” Brenda wanders towards the bay window, mumbling complaints to herself as she looks around the room. “By the way, Emily. I’ve contacted your photographer cousin, Nicola.”

She what now?

“She’s offered to do my mother of the groom photo sitting for free! Isn’t she a dear.”

Oh for f*ck sake. I’ll have to remind myself to ring up Nicola once I get out of here. I dread to think what Brenda might have said to my photographer cousin in order to get her to agree to a free photo sitting. I mean, my cousin does have her own business to run. She can’t go giving out free photo shoots to just anyone. She’s not even doing my wedding photos for free, and I’d never expect her to. I decide here and now to pay for sneaky Brenda’s photo sitting myself. To be honest, I don’t know why the mother of the groom feels she needs her own personal photo shoot anyway, but that’s Brenda for you.

The woman does as she pleases.

Finally, we’re shown around the exquisite gardens of the Mortsbaton Court grounds. As we near the streamlined moat Brenda fires off questions to Georgina about the estate’s history.

“You know, Brenda,” I say, nearly losing my cool. “You can always go to the Mortsbaton Court website later.”

“The internet is for lazy sods.” She waves off my idea with a flourish of hand. A hand that I’m going to stay far away from, lest she feels the need to poke her point home into any of the more blubbery parts of my anatomy.

Thankfully, Georgina offers a reprieve. “Tea, ladies?”

“Yes please!” I stomp away through the grass a bit too exuberantly.

“Oh, Emily, no it’s here.”

I turn around when I hear Georgina’s instructions and I’m not at all surprised to see there’s a robot floating up next to her.

Smacking my forehead, I try to mask my frustration by pushing my hand through my hair.

“Is something the matter, Emily?” Georgina asks me kindly.

“Oh no,” I say, staying right where I am as Brenda takes a teacup from the robot’s tray. “I just… I think I’ll wait to have tea later.”

I’m not moving an inch closer to the penguin shaped bot that’s holding a tray. I suppose the owners of this place thought a little butler penguin robot would be cute, but I know better. I know how often Oliver’s bots malfunction.

“That thing won’t be around at my wedding, will it?” I point at the offending mechanical penguin.

“Not if you don’t wish it to be.” Georgina frowns. “This little guy has been such a help around here though, I’m amazed at what Oliver’s robots can do.”

Amazed is one word for it. Terrifying is how I’d describe my robotic encounters of late.

“This tea is acceptable,” Brenda interjects. “You should really try some, Emily. I think you need to relax.”

I need to relax? Says the woman dressed for a twenty-four/seven workout-a-thon.

“Yes, try some, Emily.” Georgina talks to the robot and slowly but surely the mechanical thing floats toward me. The only problem is that once it reaches me its speed suddenly increases.

“Oh no!” I cry out at the same time Georgina screams.

It’s too late, I’m already catching air beneath my feet as I trip, fall, and plummet into the moat below.

***



I come up from under the surface of the water spluttering. I don’t even open my eyes before I’m shouting my lungs out. “Don’t let that f*cking penguin fall into the water!”

Finally, I wipe my eyes and I can see that I’m safe from electrocution. Georgina has tackled the robot and together with Brenda’s efforts the two women are keeping the berserk penguin from following me into the moat water.

Swimming for my life I paddle towards the nearest bank, which just so happens to lead off the pebbled car park. I honestly can’t believe this is happening to me again as I crawl up onto dry land.

Gasping, I turn and land on my back. My shoes are drenched, my new jeans are soaked and sticking to my skin and my t-shirt is plastered to my wet bra. I don’t even want to think of the muck that’s stuck into my dripping hair. From above, the moat had looked like a crystal clear stream. Now that I’ve gone swimming in it by force, I know for a fact that the body of water is more like a thriving pond, complete with its own lively eco-system.

I can hear a lot of shouting around the corner of the main gothic building. Voices of both men and women.

“Oh my god, Emily! Are you all right?”

I sigh in despair. If none of Oliver’s robots existed I don’t think anyone would have to ask me how I feel all the time. I seem to have the worst of luck when it comes to those bots malfunctioning.

Georgina and Brenda come dashing around the corner.

Sitting straight up, I panic. “Where’s the robot?”

“It’s okay,” Georgina tries to help me up. “My husband and the groundskeeper have got the penguin under control.”

“They have?” I’m gobsmacked as I get to my feet. I’m not surprised because Brenda is also helping me up, I’m surprised because I can’t imagine how those men have managed to control one of Oliver’s machines. Judging by the destruction caused to my cafe only a couple of days ago, I truly know how powerful those bots are. “How have they managed that then?” My voice quivers anxiously.

“They turned it off, of course.” Georgina attempts to wipe me down with a small tea towel.

I feel stupid for asking such an obvious question now. Of course the men would have just turned the robot off. Not that this news is useful information now. I sure wish I’d learned where the ‘off button’ was when Oliver had first left his grotesque robot at my cafe.

“I hope this doesn’t alter your plans for holding your wedding here, Emily.” Georgina sounds positively fretful. “I can promise you that our penguin robot will definitely not be on the premises at all for your special day.”

Beside me, Brenda harrumphs loudly. “I’ll have to speak with my soon-to-be-daughter-in-law. I’m quite certain she’ll be having doubts about holding her wedding at a place where she’s nearly been murdered.”

Whoa. I don’t know what’s suddenly got into my fiancé’s mother, but Brenda seems completely enraged at this entire fiasco.

“Come along, Emily. Let’s get you home and dry.”

I’m too astonished to speak, but I manage a departing suggestion to Georgina. “I’ll call you tomorrow.” I tell her as I shiver and walk towards my car. I guess it’s a good thing I’d left the towel on my driver’s seat because I can’t wait to crawl inside and crank up the heater. Even if it is a balmy twenty degrees out today, I’m absolutely shivering with cold. Though I’m not entirely certain the chills I’m experiencing are caused by being drenched from head to toe. On the contrary, I’m probably quivering from an instilled weariness of malfunctioning robots.

***

“Why didn’t you tell me your mother was going to be my new wedding planner?” Later in the evening I’m glad to be dry and warm when Callum returns home from work.

“She wanted it to be a surprise, love.” He kisses my temple. “You smell rather fresh.”

“That would be the scent of frog spawn you’re currently enjoying.”

Callum backs away and eyeballs me. “Is that a new shampoo?”

I hadn’t even text my fiancé about this afternoon’s latest robotic mishap. I was too distraught to do anything but lie in a hot bath. In retrospect, I probably should have showered afterwards and washed my hair.

“I’m losing it, Cal. I can’t take this anymore!”

“Take what, my darling?”

I wander into the sitting room and Callum follows while undoing his tie. “Don’t tell me one of Oliver’s robots trashed your cafe again, I’ll have that man’s head on a platter—”

“No, no.” I interrupt. “Today’s major robot malfunction was committed by a penguin.”

Now my fiancé looks really confused. “Have you been dieting again? You sound a bit light-headed.”

Honestly, I think I’m too tired to explain further. Sinking into the sofa I sigh loudly. “Food isn’t a worry, babe. It’s all these bloody robots that are doing my head in. Can we move to London or Scotland please?”

Callum sits next to me. “It would have to be Scotland if you wanted to avoid Oliver’s bots.”

I look at him questioningly.

“I found out today that Oliver has been granted funding for his robots at the CoTechnic site in London.”

I shake my head in unbelieving consternation. “Has that company gone mad? Do they not know how many robots have malfunctioned lately?”

Callum shrugs his shoulders. “I guess they’re only minor complaints.”

This takes the biscuit and as far as I’m concerned I’ve had it with Oliver and his stupid bots. I’m determined not to even think about his crazy machines ever again. I suppose there’s no point in telling Callum about today’s robot disaster at all. The one time he was able to find Oliver he’d brought him round to see my bare breasts!

I know the best way forward now, and that’s to extricate any and all robots from my life and from my thoughts. If needs be I’ll have Lara do all my bridal gown fittings here, because there’s no way I’m setting foot inside her shop as long as she’s got that robot there.